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When you are not focusing your emotional energy on your partner, where is it going? Emotional affairs are non-sexual relationships that usually start out as friendships. It may seem harmless, but more than 70% of these seemingly innocent flirtations will end up as real affairs.

How can you know if you are really just friends, or if you’ve crossed a line? Here are 7 tell-tale signs.

1- You Can’t Stop Thinking About Your Friend

If this person is the first thing on your mind when you wake up and the last person you think about at night, you may have romantic feelings for them.

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2- You Are Sharing Private Details With This Person

You share all your frustrations and concerns with your friend and complain about your partner to them. This creates a unique intimacy and cuts off your partner at home. Ask yourself if you are sharing your unmet needs to see if this person will meet them.

3- You Are in Frequent Contact

If they are contacting you in the evening and you find yourself waiting for those calls and texts, and responding immediately, you are no longer just friends and you should take an honest look at the situation.

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4- You Are Lying and Keeping Secrets from Your Partner

Are you hiding your phone? Are you deleting messages and denying communication when confronted by your partner? Yes, that’s more than innocent friendship.

5- You Compare Your Partner to Your Friend

You start to idealize this person while you find yourself more critical of your partner. It’s almost as if you are thinking about your friend as a potential partner.

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6- You Have Fantasies or Dreams About Them

Are you imagining what it would be like to touch your friend? Are you having sexual dreams about them? These are signs from your subconscious that you are developing romantic feelings.

7- You Would Be Upset if Your Partner Had Such a Friendship

If you feel that you would be jealous, that’s a sure sign that you are behaving inappropriately.

Need Help? We Can Help.


A healthy relationship means that your partner is your first priority. If this is no longer the case, and you recognize some of these signs, it may be time to seek professional help. A relationship counselor can help you both process and share your feelings.

Need a relationship counselor? We can help. Call (510) 497-4174 today.

This post was written by Lani Gouws on behalf of The Bridge Therapy Center. If you have any questions or require more information, please contact Lani here: